tales of me and the husband: Some thoughts on step parenting.

This is one of those posts that I have in draft form for weeks. ?I go back to it, edit it, file it away again. ?Publish it? ?Maybe. ?Skip it? ?Quite possibly. ?It's tricky. ?Talking about parenting from a step mom perspective. ?It's something I do with my sisters, with Steve, with my Mom and closest friends. ?Occasionally with a counselor too (thanks be to the counselors!).??People who will both listen to me and give me the feedback that I want, and don't want, to hear. ?People who will listen with a keen ear, be empathetic, non-judgmental, but also share the here-is-what-you-need-to-change bits. ?But it's something I have a hard time doing here. ?As much as I have a hard time doing it, it's hard not to also.

There are times where I come to this space wanting so badly to talk about it, to maybe reach someone going through a similar situation, or maybe someone who has advice worth sharing, or really just simply talk, share. ?I was inspired by Jane's post here when she said, towards the bottom, there's really not much out there, in the blog-community, that talks about parenting teenagers. ?And, hello, that is by far the hardest stage of parenting. ?And, I daresay, step parenting too. ?The place where we need the most, we lack the most. ?So, I'm going to attempt to talk about it, and not let this one fall back into the drafts folder yet again. ?It's going to ramble on, perhaps conclusion-less, journal entry style. ?Forgive me!

Parker's less than a year away from where Lindsey was when Shannon got sick. ?He's one year away from where Lindsey was when she died. ?I have always been able to rattle off the age of the kids pretty quickly. ?Their current ages, and the ages they were when she passed away. ?It's an integral part of the story, and strangers who hear the story inevitably ask, "How old were they??"

Two. ?Lindsey was two. ?I've always known it but been, I don't know, detached from it? ?Or not quite as aware of a two-year old as I am now. ?What they're like, how often they cry or laugh, need their diaper changed, need their Mom. ?Of course, Parker's not two yet. ?But, I can imagine, a little bit, what he'll be like this July. ?How little he'll still be (to me, anyway), how often he'll need to be fed, picked up, kissed, how he may still want me to rock him to sleep at naptime, how I'll know, better than Steve, how to scramble an egg for him just right, or what his favorite foods are. ?The idea of me not being around? ?Well, it's unthinkable.

Just this morning, Steve and I were sitting eating hash browns and eggs and, like it had just occurred to me, I said, "He's not that far from where Lindsey was when Shannon died." ?Steve said, "I think of it nearly every time I change his diaper."

I have been told that Shannon was utterly content and peaceful, right through her last days. ?I have to attribute this to peace to none other than God himself, because I don't know how someone can be that way knowing that there is a huge possibility they'll be leaving behind what they hold most dear. ?Steve has said it was remarkable. ?I imagine that it was.

Step parenting is hard. ?Who am I kidding, parenting is hard. ?I put on a good front here, but it's really hard. ?Not all the time, but a lot of it. ?There is so much I don't talk about. ?And, lest your favorite blogger is telling you otherwise, there is so much all bloggers don't talk about. ?You're not seeing most of the picture. ?A blog is a moment, a fleeting moment, the things we wanted to remember. ?There are times, a lot, when I throw my hands up in the air and just pray for wisdom. ?Cause I don't know many people who really know how to parent their teenager, let alone step parent them.

It's hard to be only ten years older than one of your step kids and be some sort of authority in his life. ?It's harder when he really have an issue with authority in general. ?When, even the mere suggestion that he clean up after himself is met with a who-do-you-think-you-are look. ?It's hard to feel like you get no respect. ?It's hard to wonder if, at times, you deserve it. ?It's hard to feel like too much is expected of you, like your best is not good enough. ?It's hard when you know that sometimes your best isn't that good.? It's hard to know that, gosh, if he'd just let down his guard you could seriously be friends. ?(Friends like we used to be.) ?It's hard knowing that, at this point, he's not that receptive to love. ?From me, from Steve. ?It's hard when you feel like you're on an opposing team but really, you're rooting for him. ?It's hard to wonder if these issues--the above and more--are specific to me, to a step parent/step child relationship, or if Shannon would be going through the same things. ?I suspect, a lot of the times, it's the latter. ?It's hard, it's just hard.

Because he's not interested in being in pictures or smiling for them, you don't see a lot of him here. ?He's smart, really smart, and is doing well in school. ?He's also working most weekends so when you don't see him showing up here or on Instagram, it's probably because he's actually not with us or because he avoids the camera. ?There are too many battles to fight, I let that one go. ?He is motivated and inquisitive and hard working. ?And, when he has his guard down, he can be really funny. ?There are so many positives. ?But, yes, parenting him is hard right now (and most of it, Steve handles). ?So, there's my attempt to put into words some of the thoughts I have. ?To let you know that he's not getting cropped out of pictures (you didn't think so, now did you?) and that, well, he's a tough one at the moment.

In some ways, I wish we could skip the teen years.

I began this post with Shannon. ?I'm afraid it's too easy, eight years later, to forget the loss they suffered. ?To remind yourself of their past, their pain... I don't do it enough. ?It's something that undoubtedly marked them, particularly the two older boys, forever. ?I cannot begin to fathom the ways. ?And, not that they should be off the hook, or handled with kid-gloves because they lost their mother, but it is something to remember.

Thanks for listening.

Source: http://itsahuntlife.blogspot.com/2012/11/some-thoughts-on-step-parenting.html

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